The rabbis point to Tamar as the paragon of tochechah—the loving rebuke.
When Tamar’s husband dies, Judah, her father-in-law, follows
the patriarchal practice of the time and marries her to his second son,
Onan. When Onan, too, dies, Judah
violates the law and withholds his third son from her, leaving her socially
outcast and economically vulnerable.
Needing a baby but without other recourse, Tamar veils
herself and pretends to be a harlot by the side of the road. She seduces Judah. As pledge of payment, she claims his signet,
cord, and staff. These are sufficiently
personal so as to identify him.
When she starts to show, she is brought before her
father-in-law so that he can mete out justice. “Tamar your daughter-in-law has played the whore;
and now she has even become pregnant by whoring.” And Judah said, “Bring her out and let her be
burned!” (Genesis 38:24)
Although condemned to die, Tamar does not call Judah out on
his hypocrisy. Instead, she produces his items and says “the
man to whom these belong made me pregnant.
Acknowledge whose signet seal, cords, and staff these are.” (Genesis 38:25) Judah does, and further acknowledges her
righteousness.
Tamar corrected her father-in-law, and did so
effectively. She did not humiliate him
publically. She spoke gently and
tenderly, and also clearly. She was fair
and forgiving. These are key aspects of
the loving rebuke. Maimonides also
includes performing tochechah for the
wrongdoer’s own good, rather than for vengeance or one-ups-manship. Ineffective rebukes, on the other hand, are
public, angry, harsh, condescending, self-serving, shaming, or resentful. (Mishneh Torah, Book One: Knowledge, Chapter 6:6,7)Have you ever given a rebuke? Was it effective or ineffective, and what made it so? Have you ever been rebuked? How did it feel?
No comments:
Post a Comment