Vayigash 5773

Joseph’s is a story of clothing.  In each episode, a key piece of clothing indicates a change in identity—the multicolored coat, the tunic ripped off his back, the linen trappings and gold chain of office Pharaoh bestows upon him.  Step by step, outfit by outfit, he sheds the identity of the lonely shepherd boy and becomes the grandee of Egypt.
Parashat Vayigash contains the climax of the Joseph story.  This week, he reveals himself to his brothers and they are reunited.  They had not recognized him, presumably because of the finery, ceremonial wig and beard, and jewelry he wore.  From underneath it all comes the simple, clear voice:  “I am Joseph” (Genesis 45:3).  Despite all the changes life brought him, he is the same essential self.

Human beings wear clothes to signal our identity and status—the police officer’s uniform, the judge’s robe, the waitress’ apron, the king’s crown.   These signal what we do, but they do not signal who we are.  They cloak our inner beings even as they reveal our public selves.  We are God’s likeness, true and pure and good.

It is easy to see only the exterior of a person, as Joseph’s brothers did, that is, the personae he or she presents to the outside world.  Our more profound task is to see the full and unique person underneath the uniform, to recognize the image of God hiding behind the mask.

What are the uniforms and masks you wear?

Parashat Vayishlach 5773

What do you do when a friend does wrong?  Do you bring it up or let it slide?  And if you decide to speak up, how do you do it?  These are not easy questions.  Fortunately, we have guidance.

The rabbis point to Tamar as the paragon of tochechah—the loving rebuke.

When Tamar’s husband dies, Judah, her father-in-law, follows the patriarchal practice of the time and marries her to his second son, Onan.  When Onan, too, dies, Judah violates the law and withholds his third son from her, leaving her socially outcast and economically vulnerable.

Needing a baby but without other recourse, Tamar veils herself and pretends to be a harlot by the side of the road.  She seduces Judah.  As pledge of payment, she claims his signet, cord, and staff.  These are sufficiently personal so as to identify him.

When she starts to show, she is brought before her father-in-law so that he can mete out justice.  “Tamar your daughter-in-law has played the whore; and now she has even become pregnant by whoring.”  And Judah said, “Bring her out and let her be burned!”  (Genesis 38:24)

Although condemned to die, Tamar does not call Judah out on his hypocrisy.   Instead, she produces his items and says “the man to whom these belong made me pregnant.  Acknowledge whose signet seal, cords, and staff these are.”  (Genesis 38:25)  Judah does, and further acknowledges her righteousness.

Tamar corrected her father-in-law, and did so effectively.  She did not humiliate him publically.  She spoke gently and tenderly, and also clearly.  She was fair and forgiving.  These are key aspects of the loving rebuke.  Maimonides also includes performing tochechah for the wrongdoer’s own good, rather than for vengeance or one-ups-manship.  Ineffective rebukes, on the other hand, are public, angry, harsh, condescending, self-serving, shaming, or resentful.  (Mishneh Torah, Book One: Knowledge, Chapter 6:6,7)

Have you ever given a rebuke?  Was it effective or ineffective, and what made it so?  Have you ever been rebuked?  How did it feel?