Vayeishev -- 5775

 Tamar has been played by her father-in-law, and now she returns the favor.

The widow of Judah’s son Er, Tamar was entitled to marry Er’s brother, Onan, upon Er’s death.  And when Onan died, she was entitled to marry the youngest brother, Shelah.  Judah denied her this chance at security, afraid that his youngest would die, too.

Tamar takes matters into her own hands.  She disguises herself as a prostitute and stands in Judah’s path.  He hires her, promises to pay her later, and leaves his staff, cord, and signet ring as pledge.  When Tamar conceives, Judah, enraged at the infidelity, orders her to be burned.  At that point, Tamar, slyly, produces the evidence of Judah’s complicity.  “’I am with child by the man to whom these belong.’  And she added, ‘Examine these:  whose seal and cord and staff are these?’”  (Genesis 37:25).  Judah recognizes them, and acknowledges that she is in the right.

Tamar displays many positive qualities.  In particular, the rabbis of old celebrate her righteous restraint.  She could have shamed Judah publically, but declines to do so.  The Talmud teaches that humiliating another is akin to killing them – the blood drains from their face, and their reputation can’t be returned.

Throughout the day, we’re given opportunities to embarrass or humiliate one another.  Showing some one up feels good in the moment, but that feeling doesn’t last.  Whatever “points” we score are quickly lost.  Much longer lasting to hold our tongue.  And, when we cannot, it is better to offer our rebuke gently and in private, as Tamar did.