Emor -- 5775

Who mourns a death?

The rabbis of the Talmud answered by applying the injunction of Leviticus 21:1-4:  A priest may not come into contact with corpses except for certain close relatives.  These are his mother, his father, his son, his daughter, his brother, and his unmarried sister.  Therefore, they concluded, these are the relationships of mourners, adding wives and married sisters to the list (BT Mo’ed Katan 20b).

In modern custom, this means that only these relatives wear the black kriyah ribbon of mourning and recite Mourner’s Kaddish.  Only these observe the full period of mourning; others are comforters rather than mourners.  Mourners don’t attend parties, celebrations, or shows, and don’t get haircuts.

Our tradition understands mourning, or “avelut,” as an official state, designated by relationship to the deceased, and time – it begins with burial and concludes thirty days later, except for the death of parents.  When a parent dies, the period of Avelut lasts an entire year.  Certainly, our grief may extend far longer.  But the formal period of mourning is finite, reminding us that we must, eventually, return to life.  The family of the deceased is not permitted to continue formal mourning after Avelut is completed.

Avelut does not begin with the death of a relative, but rather with his or her burial.  When a close relative dies, the survivors’ state is called Aninut.  Anunut is the time of intense shock, confusion, and limbo.  The deceased is dead but not gone, and we feel that “neither/nor-ness.”  Those in Aninut are except from most obligations.  We just let them be.  Jews bury as promptly as possible out of respect for the deceased, and also to assist the family to move from Aninut to Avelut.

That’s what the tradition holds, but both Reform Judaism and I are more expansive.  I well remember my best friend’s death, and how his family included me as one of the mourners.  It allowed me to grieve more powerfully, and to heal more completely.  When I officiate at a funeral, I certainly allow all those who wish to wear a kriyah ribbon to do so, as an external sign of their internal state.  At Temple Emanuel, we invite all who wish to stand and recite Kaddish Yatom.  It is emotionally satisfying, and it demonstrates community support.

But I also believe that mourning must conclude at some point.  Although we may feel intense loss, sadness, and even anguish, the time comes for us to return to life – to the people around us, to good works, to beauty, to self-care.  Otherwise, we make a shrine of death, and that’s undoubtedly unhealthy.

The Jewish mourning customs are psychologically sound.  They create a structure within which we can feel our feelings.  It would be my honor to discuss them with you, if you would like.