Jacob, born immediately after his twin, Esau, grabs onto the elder’s heel in an apparent claim for primacy.  His parents name him “Ya’akov,” from the Hebrew for “heel” – “akev.”

Jacob is not alone.  We all grab on to things – objects, ideas, stories – and hold on to them for dear life.  They become part of our self-image, even though they may no longer serve us.

Parents, for example, sometimes hold on to a vision of their child as she used to be, not as she is now.  We are imprinted with a sense of them at a younger age when they needed certain things from us – whether cutting their food, driving them to school, or giving them advise.  Even though our image of them gets updated from time to time, it remains nonetheless out of date.  It’s hard, as parents, to stay current with such ever-evolving creatures.  Still, our highest quest is to be the people they need us to be today, not give them what they needed earlier.

To do that, we have to let go of the image we carry of them.  We all know it’s true, but it remains difficult to accomplish.

Some thoughts:

·         Can you observe yourself interacting with your child?  What do you notice?  (Watching videos of myself with my son helped me spot patterns in the way I talk to him.)

·         Can you observe your child during your interactions?  What are his non-verbal messages to you? 

·         Can you ask your child (whether young or adult) what they need from you that they are not getting?  Do they feel there are ways you are treating them that are not age appropriate?  Can you listen to their words and, simultaneously, clue in to what’s behind the words?  Will you take what they say to heart?

·         Can you inventory your behaviors, and see which need discarding?  Just as parents regularly move through a child’s room and purge outdated toys and books, so can we discard outmoded actions.

·         Can you anticipate your child’s next stage, and help them transition into it?  Human beings of all ages need to be challenged and encouraged to develop.  “Scaffolding” is the practice of providing support so that the child can reach a little further than s/he could alone.

Sometimes, holding on can be as comforting as a much-loved teddy bear.  Sometimes it can hold us back.